Introducing the Ohio N95ers

“This is Chris Berman. Let's introduce the N95ers lineup: Leading off will be Sam Jethroe “Bodine.” Let's hope he doesn't hit like Granny or Uncle Jed. After that is the Stormin' Mormon, Bryce Harper “Valley PTA.” After the number three hitter, Joe Morgan is the N95ers' number one pick, Turkey “On Rye” Stearnes, who can really bash, and that's no baloney,” Berman says.

“In keeping with the longstanding American cultural stereotype that all Italians are somehow connected with organized crime, the theme from “The Godfather” will be the walk-up music for number five hitter Phil Cavarretta. The Fivers will employ a platoon of Bill Joyce and Melvin “For A Few Dollars” Mora in the sixth slot. Speedster Rickey Henderson will bat seventh, followed by another platoon featuring catchers Johnny “Small Mouth” Bassler and Brian Downing “Abbey.” In the ninth hole will be Jack Glass...” Berman starts giggling uncontrollably. “Ninth hole...Glassco...oh man!” The assembled beat writers engage in what can best be described as a group "Beavis and Butt-head" laugh.

Annoyed, Fivers manager Ray Kinsella yells, “Grow the ---- up, people. JACK GLASSCOCK. His name is Glasscock. So what? Do you realize how many people named Willie and Peter and Dick have played professional baseball? Do you know there have been more than 150 Johnsons in MLB history, as well as a few Wangs? Are any of you smart alecks familiar with Snodgrass's Muff or Merkle's Boner? AND WHAT ABOUT RUSTY KUNTZ? HMM? I gave up an easy country life farming and coaching dead ballplayers in an Iowa cornfield for this?”


It should be an interesting season.